What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 05:26
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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Would this be the day?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My family never makes their pension either.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I waited trembling.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She loved him until the end.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
When she asked me how she looked .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But it wasn’t much.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was 9 years of age.
Ive learnt so much.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I said to her
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot live in the past .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So, i spoilt her more .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im still living with it.
I was scared of men, in general
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So whats the point in blame.
She found it foreign!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I think the readers, may guess!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She married twice! .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But, we were locked up after school.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
What did i know ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
This is soul school!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And i lived it daily.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We were not on the streets..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My life is so biszare .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Especially a lifetime of it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I don,t even have a pension.
Was to survive, this bastard.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It was going to be , some day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Who then, do I blame.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I have no regrets .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Put me off passion for life!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was seconnd youngest,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Comes on , in middle age.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He knew the spot.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She wouldn,t have been !
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I write beautiful poetry .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We all went to grammer schools
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She was in good health!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I couldn’t, believe it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I will be 64.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was very sick at this time too.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
All the time i was locked up.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.